Worth fighting for

Every time I issue a command or say "No", I should think about whether this is something worth fighting for. Because there will be a fight. There will be no swords or guns, just a war of the wills. Mine versus Sam's (fortunately Matthew is not at this point yet, he is in the charming "older baby" phase. Additionally, Matthew is the family CEO for the time being and Sam only thinks he is). The fight goes something like this. I issue a command such as "Get down" or just say "No." Now I'm not talking about unrealistic commands or expectations, but toddler-appropriate ones. Things that toddlers need to start learning to be productive in the world. After my command Sam either 1) disobeys and continues or 2) starts screaming and crying or 3) complies and life goes on. If he disobeys, I issue the command again or immediately remove him from the situation, which then results in screaming and crying. It's then a war of the wills to stick to it and not let the crying/screaming cause me to change my mind. I usually try to distract myself by doing something that needs to be done like putting away dishes and let Sam cry/scream without a direct audience. Matthew usually just stares.

So this afternoon I made popcorn for our snack. I have a rule, "snacks stay at the table or counter". Does that mean that Sam must be sitting at the table or counter? I haven't drawn that line in the sand. I require that the food stays at the table. So today Sam brought his bowl of popcorn over to the ottoman. I reminded him that snack stays at the table. He pulled out a few kernels of popcorn and sets them on the ottoman, then returned his bowl to the table. Hmmm...Smart move. My turn to countermove. I have not faced this issue before. What do I do? Sam returns and quickly consumes his popcorn. I do nothing. I remember times like this when I was teaching. I would face a totally novel situation, not know how to react and react poorly, then mull over my miss-move later. So Sam partially obeyed, but not quite. I guess I'm not sure he was trying to disobey, just being a toddler and not understanding that the command meant all the popcorn and the associated bowl. These dilemmas are a daily, maybe even hourly occurrence. I never knew parenting would require such endurance.

Is it worth fighting for? Is saying please and thank you worth fighting for? Is picking up toys worth fighting for? Is being quiet in church worth fighting for? Is not standing on the couch worth fighting for? Mostly the tactic of distraction works, but there are occasional crossroads that require a more parental posture. And they're becoming more common as Sam develops more of a mind of his own and also becomes more mobile and able to get into almost everything. Like 90% of our stuff is within his climbing ability. We are going through occasional skirmishes in the war, but I try to remember 1) it could be much worse and 2) I am raising children who will someday be adults and toddler behavior just isn't going to cut it for them in the real world.

And we have our victories. For example, the past three times we went to the grocery store I told Sam before we went in the store that he was to remain in the car cart at the store. I've read about this tactic (communicate expectations before entering the store), but wasn't sure that Sam was old enough to understand it. But the past three times he has remained in the cart. I really haven't had to warn him either. He just sits in the car cart, honking the horn and pointing out different kinds of foods. He hardly grabs anything. I point out some things and have him grab items that are at his level and he complies brilliantly. I can't believe it. It's like magic. During times when the war is less pleasant, I remember the small victories like the grocery store.